You're Not Crazy
by Silly-Dreamer
Summary: Jordan goes off the deep end and is sent to an asylum. Can she gather the willpower and courage to be released? Wo/Jo Rated for safety and future chapters. R&R?
1. Chapter 1

You're Not Crazy

**Here is my first attempt at a Crossing Jordan fic that isn't a 1/1. Hope you like it. And I don't own Crossing Jordan and all that jazz.**

**Jordan went off the deep end and is put in an asylum (mental hospital).**

**All this is told in Jordan's POV.**

I sit with my back to the cold wall of my bright, small room. Cell would be a better word to describe this Hell hole. There are no windows, flowers, or anything brightly colored for that matter. It's as if someone dropped me in an old black and white film. You know, the ones with no sound? Yeah, those. I close my eyes as I finish tracing one of the almost healed scars on my forearm. It has been two months and they still haven't healed completely. Two months. That's how long I've been in here. It's been two months since I've brushed my own hair and put on makeup and cute clothes. Two months since I've slept in a decent bed or had a decent meal. It's been two whole, long months since I have felt happy. Most of all, it's been two months since I've seen _him._

I can't really blame him though, and I don't. No one wants to come see, let alone date, a suicidal psychopath who got thrown into the asylum.

Others have come though. Once a week I'm aloud to have two visitors under supervision. Sometimes it's Lily and Garret, other times it's been Nigel and Bug. I guess I'm a little glad he hasn't shown up. I just hate to see how he'd look at me. The others show looks of disappointment and sadness. But with him, I know he would be angry. Not the mad, pissed off angry, but the hurt, depressed, "how could you do this?" angry.

It was really hard at first. They were, and still are, very emotional when they come see me. They cry, weep, sometimes yell. That's not the hard part. The thing is, they are so emotional, and comparing their emotions to my own void of emotion is difficult.

The doctors say I'm getting better. They remind me on what seems like an hourly basis that I'm not crazy. Something must be wrong with me, though. I've failed the last two psychological exams they've given me. Those exams are the key to my freedom, and if I pass, I'm free to go. Every time I fail, I earn myself another month in this place. I heard someone saying that I don't have anything to look forward to when I get out, so I'm pretty much careless.

They couldn't be more correct. It feels as if I've lost everything I've ever wanted, needed, and dreamed of.

I sigh to myself and blink, expecting some tears will show themselves. Any normal person would be crying right now. They would want nothing more than to get out of here. Not me. I don't feel anything. Not anymore. I'm numb all the time, and I've come to accept the dark and sad thoughts.

That's not to say it isn't hard to think about it; that day. It is very hard. I remember it as if were just today.

It had been a long, rainy day. I'd just pulled a double at the morgue. Woody and I were gong to grab a couple movies and order some takeout. We always did this; we _were_ best friends, after all. But lately it had been different. We'd gotten closer on the couch, we fell asleep together most nights, and on the nights we didn't he always gave me a good night kiss. Not to mention the constant hand holding and lingering hugs. I was actually excited things were going so well and we were getting closer. We were spending so much time together, we both had to admit, like it or not, we were in a relationship. Needless to say, that night I couldn't wait to see him. I grabbed my coat and rushed out the door as fast as I could to meet him at the police precinct.

When I got there, no one said anything to me when I welcomed myself in. They were all used to it by now. I flashed a few smiles and said a couple "hellos" on my way down the hall. The door to Woody's office was cracked, and I was just about to let myself in when I stopped; a female voice was coming from the other side. Curiosity peaked, I leaned an ear in closer. I could hear his voice.

"I can't do this."

"Of _course_ you can. Just relax."

"Okay, uh. Look, babe, you, uh, really mean a lot to me. You're my world. I don't think I could go on without you in my life. I, um. know I have never said this before, but I love you. I love you more than anything or anyone in this world. You make my life complete. I know we aren't technically in a relationship, but, uh, I would be honored if you'll wear my ring and be my wife.""Oh Woody!"

"Hold on, now, let me get down on one knee."

"I LOVE it! Oh my God! YES!"

"I love you.""I love you, too!"

At that point there was laughter and joy coming from inside the room. My heart sunk deep in my stomach and I felt as if I was going to puke. Who was that? Did he really just propose? How come he never told me about this girl? What have we been _doing?_ Tears streamed down my face and I backed away from he door slowly. I ran out of the precinct as fast as I could.

I ran all the way home, into the bathroom, slammed the door, and fell to the floor. I rummaged through the vanity drawers and finally found what I was looking for: a beautiful, shiny new razor blade. As if I were on auto pilot, I went to town on my arms, cutting as deep as I could, hoping to destroy my veins and sever any chance of life I might hold.

The last thing I remember is passing out, then opening my eyes to feel Woody holding me. His tears fell on my face and he whispered in my ear. I closed my eyes again, and that's the last time I've seen the love of my life since.

Why did he hold me? Why did he care? He was going to have a beautiful wife, and family. What was he doing there when he should have been out celebrating. Something wasn't right.

"Jordan."

My chain of thought is broken when Jackie, one of the good nurses, snaps me back into reality. That's when I realize I am in a fetal position on the floor. Damn these meds. I sat up slowly, trying to force a half smile on my face.

"Jordan, you have a visitor here to see you, but if you aren't well I can tell him to come back tomorrow."

"No no no. I'm great."

"You're sure? Have you taken your medication today?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Absolutely. Which one of the guys is it?"

"Someone I've never seen before. It's not any of the normal three that usually come."

I cocked an eyebrow. "Then who is it?"

The first person that comes to mind is my father. Had he somehow found out I was in the looney bin? Nah, couldn't be him. I haven't been able to get in contact with him, it's highly unlikely someone else has.

"He says his name is Hoyt. Woodrow Hoyt. He's pretty cute."

My eyes widen and I slowly nod. "Take me to him."


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry to take so long to update. It's a long story as to what has happened LOL.**

**First of all, I would like to address some issues. I have gotten bad reviews with this **

**story so far, so I would just like to clarify a few things.**

-I know they aren't called "asylums" anymore. I called it this because it's something to do with Jordan's well being and mental state. I'm sorry if I offended anyone by calling it an "asylum" or "mental hospital"

As for the appearance of the room and such, I know that's not what a care center is like. I just depicted it on what TV shows have, and how it might be viewed on Crossing Jordan

As far as the nurses/meals go, I know there aren't any "good," or "bad" nurses. "Bad" nurses are the ones Jordan doesn't like. "Good" ones are the ones Jordan is okay with. I didn't want to sound like they were starving her, either. She doesn't like the meals. For medications, what I meant when I asked if she had taken any I didn't mean for it to sound like she controlled her own meds.

As for the holding process, Jordan is being held because she is a danger to herself and others. She tried to freaking kill herself and almost died! In order to be released from those institutions, you must pass exams. If you fail an exam, you must stay for a certain amount of time. In this case, it's a month.

And finally, as for "not being in character," I don't want Jordan to be Jordan. Things are going to get really complicated, as you will see in future chapters. I don't think it's fair to say Woody isn't in character, because I haven't even really done anything with him yet.  
  
**So basically, if you don't like the story, you don't have to read it. I'm going to continue with it whether anyone reads it or not. I know at least one person will enjoy it. Once again I'm sorry if I offended anyone, and I hope I've clarified and misconceptions.**

Now back to the story.  
  
As I walk behind Jackie, my heart flutters and butterflies fill my stomach. Everything around me is quiet, and I count my footsteps. I can hear my heart beating in my ears. A million thoughts fill my head and it seems like an eternity before I get to the visiting room. It's one of the longest walks I've ever taken in my life.

As we enter the visiting room, I see him sitting in a corner, his back facing me. I thank Jackie once more and make my way over to him. I don't know how to feel about his unexpected visit; a part of me feels happy, another part is mad because he hasn't visited me sooner, and another part is just plain sad, because I know how hard it will be when I say "goodbye".

I walk over slowly and sit in front of him. He looks the same, however expressionless. This isn't the same Woody I remember. I could always read him, and times like this have always frightened me.

He just sits staring at me. We make eye contact, but neither of us says anything. His eyes stray away from mine and travel to the floor, where they stay for several long moments. I purposely clear my throat, and when he lifts his head, his face is once again unreadable. If I wasn't as careless as they say I am, this Woody would probably scare me.

Or maybe I am scared…

"How are you, Jordan?" he asks me. His voice is shaky.

He looks me straight in the eyes, and I can feel mine growing dark and cold. I say nothing.

"I, uh. I brought you some flowers."

He offers me a beautiful bouquet of brightly colored daisies, which I simply stare at and don't make any effort to accept. He lays them on the table that sits between us, as if it doesn't bother him. He starts to say something else, but I don't let him. I interrupt him before a word can escape his mouth.

"What are you doing here, Woody?" I ask, my voice harsh.

He thinks about his answer for a second.

"I kind of what to ask you the same thing," he says sadly. "I miss you, Jordan."

"Really? Well you have a great way of showing it," I scoff.

There is another minute of awkward silence.

"Hey, give me a break. I didn't know if I could see you…like…this.."

I let out a small laugh.

"Ha. What do you mean? What's wrong, Woodrow? Am I not pretty enough for you right now? Am I just a sight for sore eyes? Well, sorry about that, man. I guess I-"

"Stop." He almost demands. His voice is desperate. "Please."

He comes and sits next to me. The closeness of him is enough for my heart to almost skip a beat. He gently traces the red lines on my arms. I can see his eyes fill up with tears, and I can, for the first time in what seems like forever, feel a wave of emotions fill my body. He brings my wrist up to his lips and kisses it softly. I could almost fall to my knees right now and beg him to take me home. But then the anger returns when I remember the proposal in his office that night and I pull away forcefully.

"Why aren't you home with your fiancée?" I ask sharply and suddenly all emotions have left.

He looks at me like a baby deer in headlights.

"Huh?"

"What do you mean 'huh'?"

"I mean what are you talking about, Jordan?"

Does he think I'm stupid? Does he think I'm that crazy? That I've gone that much off the deep end?

"You know damn well what I'm talking about Woody."

"Apparently I don't. Would you like to fill me in on something?"

I feel enraged. What is he trying to do here? Why is he not being honest with me?

"That night. I was supposed to meet you at the precinct. You were supposed to come over."

"Okay."

"I got there a little early. You were in your office. I was just about to come in when I heard you."

"Heard me what?"

"Would you let me finish? I heard you proposing to that girl."

"What?"

"I heard you. You said you loved her more than anything and you wanted to marry her. How could you do that to me? After we were finally getting somewhere? Was it some kind of cruel payback?"

Tears now fall down my cheeks and I bury my face in my hands. I start sobbing, and I can't stop for the life of me.

"Jordan."

I don't move. I can feel him pull me close to him, and I sob into his chest.

"How could you _do_ this to me?"

He rubs my back soothingly, and when I try to pull away, he holds me tighter.

"Shhh, Jordan. It's okay."

As he holds me close and protectively, I can feel tears fall on my arm. I realize it's useless, so I stop fighting and my body goes limp in his arms. I stop crying and look up at him. His eyes are red and watery.

"There is no other woman," he whispers.

"What?"

"There is no other woman," he repeats.

"What? I don't understand. I heard you…and her. You both said you loved each other. What else could you be doing? Rehearsing?"

He just stares deep in my eyes. He doesn't have to say anything; a sudden realization comes to me and it hits me in the face like a baseball bat.

"Oh…"

He nods and kisses my forehead. I lay my head back down on his chest and close my eyes. The feeling of his strong arms around me makes me forget every care I've ever had. I feel safe now, and I don't stop myself when I begin to drift to sleep.

---------------------

What seemed like five minutes turned out to be forty five. Someone is gently shaking me, trying to wake me up. I open my eyes, and Woody's blue ones greet me with warmth. The same warmth they greeted me with before I was put in here.

"Hi."

"Uhhh. Five more minutes." I grumble.

"Come on, we only have five minutes."

"What? No. I don't want you to leave," I whine.

I sit up and lay my head on his shoulder. He wraps one arm around me and takes my hand in his. I rub his palm with my finger.

"I want to take you home, Jordan."

I nod. "I wish it was that easy. I mean I have an exam next week, but I'm sure I won't pass."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I'm nuts. Skitzo. Crazy."

"You're _not_ crazy."

I grin. "Right. Have you talked to any of these doctors? According to them, I am."

"They don't know you. I know you. You're not crazy. You don't need to be in here."

"Yes-"

"No. Listen. You're going to take that exam next week, you're going to prove that you're fine, and I'm going to be here to pick you up. You're going to come home with me, and we'll work things out from there, okay?"

"Okay." I smile, and for the first time I don't put up a fight about being with him.

We both stand, and I wrap my arms around his waist. I take in his scent again. He holds me tight, and I feel as if I'm going to cry again. I hold onto him with all I have, and when he pulls away he wipes the single tear that falls.

"Don't cry. I'll see you next week," he kisses my forehead and I nod. "I love you."

I cup his cheek one more time and he kisses my wrist. He turns and walks away, leaving me ready to melt into a puddle on the floor. The next week is going to be long and hard. I can't wait until I can see him again. However, I know we are going to have a lot of things to sort out, and I feel like an uninformed idiot. I hope he means what he just said.

Woody disappears out the door, and when he is out of sight, I turn and pick up the daisies. I smell them and turn on my heels. Maybe I have something to look forward to after all.


	3. Chapter 3

As I walk back to my room, I feel like I'm floating. Woody's words echo through me like a broken record. "I love you." I find myself grinning like a fool, and Jackie is staring. I catch her eyes with mine and she smiles widely at me. I stop in front of her, and I can feel myself blushing before she says anything.

"Well, I haven't seen you smile like that the whole time you've been here, Dr. Cavanaugh."

It was weird; Jackie is the only person that calls me "doctor". Everyone else calls me "Miss Cavanaugh" or Jordan. I tell her to call me Jordan, but sometimes I think she forgets.

"He's yours?"

I look at her and my smile fades. "I'm not sure…"

"Oh," she says, with a hint of guilt in her voice. "What took him so long to come see you?"

My shoulders sag and I think about the question carefully, almost too carefully, before I answer.

"I dunno. He said he couldn't see me like this."

"A lot of people have a hard time when their love is in a place like this. It takes a strong person to work up the courage to enter those doors."

"Better late than never, right?" I try to sound optimistic.

"Right, and you have an exam next week, correct?"

"Yep. Woody says he wants to take me home."

"Well then see, Dr. Cavanaugh? I'm sure things will work out." She patted my shoulder as we walked back to my room.

"Thanks Jackie....for everything."

She simply grins at me and I shut the door. I take Woody's flowers and put them on the table next to my bed. I notice there's a card on them, and I pick it up. The card reads "I love you," and I flip it over. It's not a card at all. It's a photo. In it we're kissing, smiling...happy. I remember the day this picture was taken, and I smile thinking of the memory. I sigh and hold it close to my heart. It's Thursday, and I have a feeling there is going to be a long week ahead.

------------------------

Monday actually comes around fast. Today is the day of- hopefully- my last psych exam. Maybe then the judge will revoke that damn court order and allow my release. Of course, I won't know until at least Thursday. The anticipation of that, along with the need to see Woody again, is going to be enough to drive me insane. Well, hopefully, not literally.

As I lay on my bed, staring at the picture of Woody and I, there's a knock on the door. I look at the clock. It's noon and I'm not scheduled to see Dr. Silva until two. Jackie is off today, so another nurse comes in. Cindy is her name. I don't really care too much for her; she treats me like a real whacko, and I really despise her for that. She talks to me like I'm a child and sometimes I just want to punch her in the face.

"Miss Cavanaugh, you have a visitor."

I sit up and arch my eyebrow at her. "It's Monday. I can only have visitors on Thursday."

She smiles that fake, patronizing smile I hate so much. "It's a different kind of visitor."

Oh great. What now?

"Who is it?"

Just as I finish my sentence, a short bald man walks in grinning ear to ear. Howard Stiles.

"Oh, great." I roll my eyes.

"Jordan! Long time no see!"

He nods to Cindy and she leaves, closing the door behind her. He pulls up a chair close to my bed, grinning at me like an idiot.

"How can I help you, Howard?"

He laughs. "What? I can't come check up on my favorite doctor?"

Ah, but he did "come check up on me" once before. I knew Garret sent him to evaluate my mental state, so I sent him packing.

"Not unless you want something. Who sent you this time, Howie?"

"No one. I'm here on official business," he winks.

"What kind of official busi-" My eyes widen. As it dawns on me. "Oh no."

He nods. "Dr. Silva is on vacation in Guam right now, so he called in a favor."

My mouth drops open. I would rather take on the highest trained therapist in the country than Howard Stiles. Any chances of getting out of here might as well have gone down the deepest drain.

"Relax, Jordan. I just want to talk."

He's loving this. Any time he's wanted to talk before, I could, and did, refuse. Now I'm going to have to talk to this guy.

"Okay then," I sighed. "Let's talk. Professional to professional."

He rolls his eyes. "Come on, Jordan. Why are you in here?"

"You know why I'm in here."

I'm not going to make this any easier for him than it has to be. That might hurt me in the end, but poking at Howard Stiles has always made me feel better. He sighs, already getting frustrated with me. I can tell he's serious.

"Obviously I know the overall, but I don't know the technicalities. I mean, I'd never seen you so happy. I thought you and Detective Hoyt would be married and expecting by now."

"Yeah, me too," I grunt.

"What was that?"

"I said, 'me too'."

He grabs his chest and over-exaggerates a fake heart attack.

"Very funny, Howard."

"What? I'm just shocked to hear those words come out of your mouth is all."

I lay back down on the bed and stare at the ceiling. I totally get that this is Howard now, my old friend, who is concerned and who wants to help me.

"Okay, Howie. Where do you want me to begin?"

"Let's just go back two months ago. Around that time, were you stressed?"

"Kind of. I had a lot on my mind."

"Like?"

"The usual. Work, getting too involved with my cases...stuff like that."

"That's never gotten to you before. There has to be more than that."

I nod. "There is."

"Okay then, keep going."

"A couple of weeks earlier, I got a memo from someone and said that my dad was dying of cancer; he wanted me to know that he loved me and he would miss me, and that he was sorry for everything he put me through."

"He didn't contact you himself?"

"Nope. Max and I haven't spoken in almost two years. I don't even know who the memo was from. I was going to dust for prints and everything, but Woody talked me out of it. He said he didn't want to see me go back down the roads I'd been down before."

"That was very considerate of him."

"Yeah," I looked over at him. "But I did it anyway."

"You betrayed his trust? Why would you do that?"

"Old habits, I guess. It doesn't matter, nothing came up." I looked back at the ceiling.

"What else was going on around that time?"

"A good friend of mine overdosed on heroine. She was one of the few people I stayed close with. We drifted apart, and that's the first time I'd heard about her in like five years. I didn't even attend the funeral."

He stays quiet while I talk. He sure is examining me, alright. I feel like a helpless little guinea pig. I know that's not what he really wants to hear about. No, he wants me to dish out about Woody, and he makes it clear.

"What happened with you and Detective Hoyt, Jordan?"

I smile and rub the back of the photo with my fingertips.

"I love him, Howie."

"That's been obvious for quite some time now."

"He loves me. He told me so."

"So what went wrong?"

"He didn't tell me in time."

"How so?"

"He came to visit me last week, and he told me then."

"I see. So, you two were dating in those months before, right?"

"It's complicated. Our situation has always been complicated, you know that."

"Right."

"Things were going so well between us. We were spending more and more time together, and I was finally ready to commit. I had day dreams about how I wanted to marry him, have his children, make a life together. I wanted that more than anything. I still do."

"So where was the misinterpretation?"

"One night he was going to come over, like he always did. I decided I would surprise him at the precinct, and we could carpool. By then, everyone knew we were...something, so no one ever said anything when I went back to his office. I was just about to go in when..." My voice faded.

Howard sits contently in his chair, being very patient and understanding. All jokes are off now; this is truly a business visit.

"What happened, Jordan?"

I feel my eyes well up with tears and a lump rise in my throat.

"I was about to go in his office, his door was cracked..."

Howard nods.

"...that's when I heard him".

Tears are streaming freely down my cheeks and I make no attempt to hide them.

"What did you hear?"

"He proposed to some girl. I heard him say he loved her, that he wanted to be with her. I snapped. It felt like nothing mattered anymore, that nothing would ever matter anymore ever again. Now I know it was all a big misunderstanding. How could I be so stupid? How could I think Woody would do that to me?"

I can see Howard wanting to comfort me, but I know he can't. This exam would be pointless if he held my hand and dried my tears.

"You know the answer to that, Jordan. Don't you?"

I nod. "My issues. My trust issues. I trusted him and he hurt me. That made me want to hurt him back, and it made me want to hurt myself. I wanted to hurt myself so bad I didn't feel I deserved to live."

"How do you feel about that now?"

"It was the biggest mistake of my life, the stupidest thing ever. I regret it. I should have talked to him about it." The tears stopped. "I should have trusted him more. I still trust him with everything I have. I want what we had back, and I want to get out of here. I want to go back to work. I want to see my friends, Howie."

He nods.

"You don't belong in here. You're one of the strongest people I know, and you just hit an all time low. You've been through so much in your life, but you have persevered. You have overcome so many obstacles, proved so many people wrong, so many right. I know that man cares deeply about you, Jordan. He would never do anything to intentionally hurt you."

"I know that now. I just hope it's not too late to fix things".

"You should know more than anyone that it's never too late to fix things, Jordan. You just have to be the one to make it right."

"Thanks, really."

"Don't thank me yet! Just let me go talk to that judge first."

I smile at him.

"I'll see you around, Howard?"

"Sooner than you'd ever hope."

We both laugh and he stands to leave.

"Oh, and Howie?"

He turns to me.

"Tell Woody I love him, would ya?"

"That's something you'll have to do yourself."

"Right. Gotcha."

He winks at me one more time and exits. This was different from my other examinations. I love how Howard listened to what I had to say; he didn't 21 question me a million times like Dr. Silva. I hope things work out for the best, both with my release and with my beloved Woodrow. I close my eyes and drift to sleep.

By the time Thursday rolls around, I am fully aware that it's been a whole week since I've seen Woody. He promised to come again today, and I'm holding him to it. Jackie enters my room, and I know he's here. Her warm smile greets me.

"He's here, Jordan."

I stand up and smile widely, getting ready to walk out of the room.

"Oh, Jordan, wait."

Did I do something wrong?

"Yeah?"

"I think you should take some of your things. You get to go home today".


End file.
